Angst and Attitude

One of our goals as martial arts instructors is to help our students work through the bad days. Attitude is everything!  Fake it ‘til you make it. It works surprisingly well. Exercise assists too!   And we accomplish so much more when not wallowing.
Still a few poems behind.  This will be #10 for the NaPoWriMo challenge.  The daily poetry prompt (again – a few days ago) was to “get it off your chest” and share something you wouldn’t normally say.

Angst

 My soul a vacuum, my heart a black hole,
 There’s a multitude of thoughts I don’t share.
 Wasted days of wanting, collect their toll,
 Tragic and unattractive is despair.
 Worn down, fed up, entirely alone,
 Push open the door, you’ll find me bleeding,
 Medusa’s mirror turning me to stone,
 Rage and self loathing consume my being.
 Yet a small smile from you stays the knife,
 Encouraging words so gently spoken,
 Burrowing through a barrier of strife,
 Patiently working to mend what’s broken.
     If I still prayed, my plea to God would be
     To know myself, the good you see in me.

Uncarbonated

Reminding myself today how important attitude is everywhere – when we teach, as we train, when we practice, and as we interact with others.  A little happiness goes a long way, even if things don’t go precisely as we want or plan.  (Poem #6 for NaPoWriMo Challenge)

Uncarbonated
The cheerful chipmunk gaily chirped
delighted at my open door.
“Still cold and wet, I see.” I said,
contrary to my core.

Never one to be cast down
she merrily replied,
happily forecasting spring,
ecstatic even as she sighed.

When from above the red tail swooped
and snatched her in mid song.
I appreciate life’s circle,
but it strongly struck me wrong.

“How could you?” I shouted up at him.
“You really are the worst!
She was always sweet and bubbly.”

“Yes.  They make the best desserts.”

Over My Shoulder

Part of our journey as martial artists is learning how to be more present, more aware of the here and now.  Take stock of your stances.  Understand the why’s of your movements.  Look where you are going before the turn.  Be watchful for messengers.  Student’s questions often remind me how much I am still learning.

Over My Shoulder
In my experience
angels don’t visit
unless they want something.
So when Gabriel came to say
“Good Morning.”
I told him to
“Fly off.”
It was barely five
and I hadn’t had any coffee.
He looked wounded,
holding up his hands in that
‘come in peace’ gesture.
“I only thought to sit with you
while you write.”
I rolled my eyes but relented,
figuring the fastest way
to have him leave.
He sat quietly, not interrupting,
but I could feel him,
so I excised the profanity
and added a tint of hope
only realizing later
that was precisely why
he hovered ’round.

(Poem #4 for the NaPoWriMo challenge)

Happiness is a well placed elbow strike.

Doing an elbow strike on the wavemaster (heavy bag) this afternoon, I rattled the right side of my brain. Literally.  It reverberated back and forth, until finally settling in its spot.  Dizzy and a little nauseous, I fleetingly wondered if I should sit down.

I kept going because I like elbow strikes. It’s my favorite offensive move.  The one I would go to should I ever have that close encounter.

I kept going because I like being part of a class. Fellow students encourage, challenge and support.  There exists in our academy a unique blend of cooperation and competition.

I kept going because I like positive feedback.  There is nothing better than a compliment from the instructor. Just as appreciated are cheers from fellow students. But the most elusive is the compliment I give myself.  I can do this round, hop round, reverse round, back swing, jump round kicking combine exercise. Every time I discover something I can do.

At the end of class our Sabonim spoke to us about finding happiness.  Not merely at the dojang, but everywhere. Over the past five months, I had stopped considering happiness.  Activities were being measured by whether or not they were worth the punishment.

I even stopped writing last August, though I missed it every day.  But tonight I feel as if I jogged something in my brain that rerouted those impaired thought processes.

And I am reconsidering happiness.

Aroused (Not Afraid of Fiction #4)

Aroused  An original short story by mfptkd.

Come closer.

Sit in the circle of my arms.
Lean back.
Close your eyes.
Feel the softness of a touch on your temple,
fingers in your hair,
freeing the tangles of today.
 Listen to the whisper in your ear.
 It tells a tale of long ago;
of storms and spring,
of responsibility and fault,
of conflict and clashes,
of love and loss,
of equally heartfelt suffering and joy,
of reckless magic and wondrous enchantments,  
of witches and giants,

and of waking up from an excessively long nap.

She tells herself that it is the rain, constant and cold, keeping her confined in a small cottage, way off the road, as removed from the neighborhoods as it can be, without encroaching on the boundaries of the next town.  Late afternoon, she is just getting up, but defends the hour as immaterial.  Alone, she can structure her day however she likes, but since arriving her calendar has mostly been filled with sleep.  Still tired but unable to rest, she examines the covers of her books.  Considers watering the plants or tidying the only used room.  Pours a cup of coffee, wraps herself in an old thinning quilt and sits down to write.  Nothing forthcoming. Gets back up. Catches herself pacing and wanders to a window, but can only see the soft silhouette of a colossal tree, shadowing the same spot since before time was counted.

The winds shift the relentless downpour into a frenzy of atmospheric drama, with earth shaking booms and sharp explosions of light. She jumps at each flash and admonishes herself for being a girl.

“It’s only the rain,” She explains out loud to no one.

“And now I’m talking to myself.”

Cold, she busies herself with the fireplace until there is a warming blaze, and then looks through the cupboards, although knowing she will not find what she is looking for.

“Marshmallows.  Why did I not bring any marshmallows?”

There is a loud crack of lightening and the power goes out.  The lack of electricity doesn’t phase her as she prefers to write long-hand. Taking a notebook, she sits in front of the fire to work, but the words still won’t come and soon she is drifting off.

An earsplitting strike has her instinctively up and at the window before she is truly awake. Peering through the water streaked panes, she watches as the next hit splits open the neighboring tree.  She blinks.  Rubs her eyes and wipes the fog from the glass.  Squints to be sure of what she sees.  Huddled in the open trunk is the figure of a man.

Sliding on shoes and grabbing a jacket, she runs out the front door.  The rain momentarily  pounds her back inside. She drapes the coat over her head, creating a makeshift umbrella.  Pushing through the gale, she reaches his side.  He has fallen face forward in mud, still wound tightly in a ball. Putting her hand on his shoulder, she realizes she may not be able to move him unassisted.  He is enormous. As a clap of white light illuminates the gray, he gasps in a huge breath, comes up to his knees and then stands, flinging open his arms and stretching out his legs.  She jumps back, startled and astounded.   He is more than double her sixty seven inches.

“Giant,” she whispers.

But she has not moved back far enough.  At the sound of her voice, he turns, outstretching his long arm, grabbing her by the throat and lifting her to her tiptoes.

“Witch,” he demands.  “Where is the hag?”

“I don’t…” she chokes, “I’m not a witch.”

He lets go, not for what she says, but because he has caught sight of the tree which encased him.  He looks up, defying the rain, trying to see how high the branches go.

“It’s been too long.  No one found me,”  he lets out a sad laugh. “No one even looked.”

And then, despite his size and apparent strength, like a building on a faulty foundation, he collapses at her feet.

He is unforgiving, wielding the sword as if it is simply an extension of his arm. He can not hear the explanations, the words and warnings.  Allows only for vengeance, seeking out the worst offender.  Until it is done, nothing else gets through; not his wife or his fold, certainly not the boy’s mother whose entreaties fall on deaf ears.  But the youth’s death does not end the tragedy, for now he must too be avenged. Prejudices reinforce.  Blame intensifies.  The killing goes back and forth, creating it’s own justifications, until there is war.

And then there is only loss.

The giant stands on the edge of the battlefield, fueled by anger, still wanting to punish, somehow excise his hurt, but unsure now of how it came to this, what brought him here and where he is supposed to go next. He turns instinctively towards home and finds an old woman standing in his path. It is the boy’s mother. Sorrow and strife, aging her disproportionate to time, she is haggard and broken.

“Do you see what you have done?” She asks looking out over the ruined encampment.

“This is not my doing. He killed my son. My actions were just.”

“He was wrong, reckless but still an infant.”

“They mocked and tortured him because he was different. Because he was a giant.”

” He didn’t understand…”

“No.” Answers the giant, her words and presence recalling his pain.  “There will never be an understanding.  Slay me here if you can for I will never grow tired of fighting,”  he pushes past her frail form.

“I’ve tried to warn you. Help you see reason. Somehow make you listen. You are the same as them now. Stop and begin again.  But since you refuse, I will stop you myself.” With great effort she scoops the air around her, reaching to the earth, pulling from the heavens and fashions a ball with her hands.

“Witch,” the giant mutters.  “I don’t believe in your magic.”

She hurls it at him with a curse. “Sleep!”

The giant, scoffing, turns away.

“Sleep!” The witch follows him. “For a millennium or more, until the gods deign to wake you! And remember if you ever arise, there will be little time for redemption, for the years will catch you in a hurry. Sleep!” She casts out again.
He stumbles forward at her final thrust. The word echoes in his head as he follows the path.  Sleep.

“Nonsense.” He tells himself. “Crazy old hag.”  But with each step, his eyelids grow heavier, movement weighted, progress slower, until he is not moving at all.

He rouses from dreams, reaching for his sword, bolting upright and hits his head on the ceiling, two feet too low for his height.  Swinging around, his arm catches the vases and candle holders on the mantel.  They shatter as they hit the floor.  Backing up, he bangs the ceiling fan which pulls from its screws and is left dangling by wires.

“Stop moving!” She yells but holds her hands out, open and calming. “Please. You can go, if you like, but if you want to wait out the storm, sit.”

“How did I get here?”

“Here – inside of a tree – I have not the foggiest.  But here inside, I dragged you.  I couldn’t…It didn’t feel right to leave you outside.” She explains.

“You?!  You dragged me?”

“Well, it took an hour and forty nine minutes.”

He examines her face closely, attempting to discern the truth.  She meets his gaze, summoning all the bravado she can muster.  The giant sits and she exhales.

“Witch,” he intones. “Thank you. I ask the further boon of information…and a drink, if there are any spirits to be had.”

“Again, not a witch and you’ll have to make do with water.”  She crosses cautiously to the cupboard, looks a moment at the glasses and decides to give him the entire pitcher.

“If you are not a witch, why are you alone here? Where is your protector?  What is to stop me from killing you where you stand?”

Turning off the water and she bites her lower lip, considering. “Right, that’s a good point,” she mutters. “You’re very sharp for a mythical figure. I don’t generally broadcast my witchness to guests.  Most do not approve.”

“Ah, I understand,” he answers.  “As I am in your debt, I will have no quarrel with you, Witch,” he looks outside. “I imagine the wars have long ended.”

“Yes,” she states. “No wars going on anywhere in the vicinity.”

“You may point me then, in the direction of my people.  I will trust them with my history.”

“Oh, your family. I’m so sorry,” she says concerned.

“No,” he waves away her pity. “They perished before the war. I understand I have been asleep a long time. But my people..?”

“Do you mean giants?” She asks.

He nods.

“I’m still sorry.  If you had asked me before today, I would have told you that giants were pretend, imaginary.”

He looks long into the fire.  “The hag was right.  I thought if I could tell them my tale, but there will be no redemption now.”

“Did you deserve it?” She cuts straight to the heart.

“Yes,” he responds simply.

“Was she really a hag?” She asks with a small grin.

He laughs out loud, surprised. “Witch, I am more in your debt with each passing moment.  I thought never to laugh again. And no, she was not.  Merely a sad woman, who lost her son.”

“A powerful sad woman,” she adds.

“Yes,” he answers. “I was warned.  I did not believe.”

“Giant,” she gasps. “Your hair is turning white.”

“Time,” he explains. “Catching me. I will not be your guest for long.”

She is outraged. “Well, that’s a horribly unfair curse.”

The giant laughs again.

“You laugh and speak just as a giant ought.  Deep in your chest. Rumbling.”

“You are not a witch,” he accuses.  “But you are hiding.  Why?”

“I’m not hiding. Just alone.  I am alone no matter where I am.  And sleepy.  We have much in common,” she strives for a matter of fact tone.

“Were you cursed?” He asks.

“No,” she laughs.

“Then you could go.  Listen.  Begin again,” he says softly.

And with those words the giant was redeemed.

Move, Please, Move! (Monday’s Minute of Meditation

Meditation should encourage, inspire, invigorate.  It may not happen all at once, but if you keep coming back, you’ll notice the difference. The thoughts which intrude may not always be pleasant.  Listen.  Move past.

She came into the theater in a powered wheel chair. Alone. Moved from chair to seat with considerable difficulty, breathing labored.  Probably facing a myriad of  health issues but the most obvious was weight.

It is hard to look.  Hard to know what to do or what to say to offer relief, motivation, or hope.

They stopped the film.  She left the theater on a stretcher.  Disturbing on many levels.  A warning to all of us.

You never know what physical challenges will be on your path. But if you are already moving, they will be that much easier to deal with.

Subversive

Only nine.

Opinionated, tired, and unwilling.  Through example and language spreading dissent among the ranks.

“I can’t do this.  Is it time to go home?  This is dumb.”

We recognize the good.  Encourage and praise the children who are trying.

It is hard for all of us, sometimes, to stay positive but the ones with the bad attitude remind us how important it is to give 100 percent, no matter how we feel.

Attitude Revisited

Tired.  Opened up an old file prior to this blog to see if there was anything easily modified and posted.  This was the first entry I opened.  Very telling.

An Attitude Adjustment

Friday last, as is wont to happen or it wouldn’t be my life, the other shoe fell.  It felt more like someone hurled it with surprising ferocity at my chest, just as I was about to exhale, knocking me down and constricting my ability to breathe.  I thought, perhaps, I would lay down and pull the covers up over my head and stay there.  Forever.

I made a deliberate decision to banish those feelings the following day.  It was simple because there was an event (tournament) which I had been happily anticipating.  I let everything else go, called out my most positive self and had an amazing day.

The rest of the week has been a constant battle with those positive and negative forces.  Probably similar to your experience.  It’s way to easy to get caught up in ourselves.  Forget that everyone is being challenged.  I’m not a hug person – should say I like to be hugged but I don’t think, outside of my children, I have ever initiated one. But I’ve been thinking about that contact more and more. I like the idea of a transfer of energy, a sharing of strength.

I really didn’t want to go to class tonight.  So I knew I needed to go.  Had to go.  By the time class was over I felt so much better.  And I am reminded (again!) that how I feel is up to me.  I can choose to feel bad or I can take back my breath, give myself a hug and choose happiness.

Girl Talk

When you’re all out, I hope it’s not just a massive bitch session.”

Well, yes.

But then, no.

Everyone needs that outlet for stress.  Whatever the source:  children, lovers, work, school, finances, or health. You want someone to hear you.  Offer understanding.  Support.  A sense of humor.  Perspective.

And then you want to share the good.  A new food.  Something learned. Unexpected compliments. Exciting challenges. Outrageous encounters. A success, goal or hope.

As in all things, there’s a balance.  Tears and laughter.

Always time well spent.